I recently came across this list of things which are an absolute no-no in a man I may want to meet/marry/divorce someday. The obvious things like pathological lying, cheating, wife-beating, drug using, snobbery, eating noisily with mouth open, being shitty at parallel parking etc., I am leaving out. Okay, so this is more a specific hate list based on a guy I did know once. Before he skunked out.
1.) Doesn’t eat meat: I don’t want to mention the “V” word/s. This is sacrilegious. How on earth are we expected to peacefully co-exist if we cannot enjoy a matrimonial meal mostly comprising of bacon? No collective sighing over the sight of grilled chicken? No astonishing amounts of pâté on toast on Sundays? No synchronized gasp over steak? This is absolutely unacceptable. Though…in hindsight…no one to steal bacon from my plate when I am not looking (meat-gasming). The grilled chicken is mine, all mine (my precious…muhahahha!) and there can be gasps over other things… like great works of art, or new technology, a sale at (tch tch, get your minds out of the gutter). But, seriously, watching the one constant person around eating quinoa and kale for the rest of my life? No, I’d want to share all this goodness (albeit begrudgingly).
2.) Fidgets: If there isn’t a medical condition to excuse your constant fidgeting, I don’t want to know you. I cannot stand people who can’t sit still. Head twitching, finger tapping, constant leg shaking, shifting around on the couch, pacing about for no apparent reason. Ugh. I swear it gives me the shakes (No. It doesn’t. Seriously, no fidgeting.) It’s like you’re constantly bursting to pee! Have you done something you’re nervous about? Are there corpses in your basement I should be aware of? Are there red ants in your pants? (Them black ones do not bite, so not a valid reason.) Electrotherapy, counseling, meditation, 20kgs of prozac – I don’t care what is it that you need to do to sort this problem out, but please, do, be still.
3.) Bad with directions:
There are some people who are perennially lost, you know? And they are so spatially challenged, both indoors and out, they will invariably point at the exact opposite direction when talking about a street or location. This is the most maddening thing even and always drives me up the wall. I recently read that there is an actual positioning system, an internal GPS
if you will, in your brain, which controls this. Well, if it ain’t functioning in yours, please get lost. (Oh, I know you so will
P.S.: Asking for driving directions is fine. But if you don’t get it in three tries, then, boy…we have a problem.
Always being oblivious to gossip is not endearing. I need a man with some input on the current going-ons of the rich and famous (must be super tabloid worthy
) or at least be willing to pretend to do know Kimye (Yes,
I said ‘Kimye’.
) You can’t scoff at my need for scoop. Scoop is important. If we’re talking about cats in boxes that are and aren’t there, we’re also talking about Amanda Bynes’ latest exploits. Okay, no, maybe not her. But sneakily watching Wrecking Ball
and Bound 2
and then pretending to be above it all is lame. Okay, I am kidding (we all do that
). What I would really appreciate is having something to contribute to a meaningless, fun conversation once in a while. Lord knows I can make up most of it, but that remaining 20%, that’s on you, man.
5.) Doesn’t wear color: Which law states that if you’re male you cannot wear any color beyond black, white, blue and gray – or a grim combination of these? Someone please tell me where it’s written down. Are you a vampire? Or are you just the biggest sexist ever? (A bit much?) Okay, but seriously color CAN be part of your wardrobe, not just a bit of pattern on your tie or sock (and sometimes, sadly, it’s not even that to be honest!). Being able to wear color says something about a man, methinks. And, please, no tacky ‘gay’ jokes. Rise above, people, rise above.
6.) Doesn’t read:
Inexcusable: Just newspapers and Upworthy
does not count.
7.) Doesn’t like swimming: Being the one sport I can abide (and somewhat excel at err relatively) I would appreciate someone who appreciates the sport/hobby. Okay, so it’s not an important point (or remotely interesting). I was running out of issues to hate at this point.
Okay, that is it. Apparently. Now I know why I am single.
#doomed #stilldoesnotknowhowtohashtag #stilldoesntcare
Oops, before I forget: 8.) Cowardice: Burn, fool!!
Over and out.